Sep 27th, 2007
The hard part of parenting
If this blog is going to be a good and true chronicle of our parenting life then I guess I have to include the bad with the good, and right now I could use a way to express my frustration with my 3 year old.
I will start by saying that most (well maybe half these days) of the time Colin is a great and incredibly fun child. However recently he has times when he is just a little terror. This morning (a day off from preschool) I told him he had to get dressed, he said no. I told him he could stay in his PJs for 10 more minutes then he had to get dressed. Ten minutes later he refused. I said we can do this the easy way (you help me change your clothes) or the hard way ( I change them for you). He chose the hard way. He screamed and kicked and I took him to his room to cool off. I shut the door and he just starts screaming “Open the door. Open it now. NOW!! OPEN IT!! MOMMY DON’T CLOSE THE DOOR - I WANT IT OPEN NOW!!!” Then he proceeds to scream and cry and throw things around his room. Holden is also crying at this point. It takes all my will to not just open and door and start screaming at Colin. The throwing things becomes too much so I go in, put him on his bed and tell him throwing and screaming isn’t acceptable, he must sit here for 3 minutes. I leave to deal with Holden.
He sits there but then gets up and continues to scream and cry - but at least he isn’t throwing things. After I have Holden calmed down a bit I go back to see him and tell him if he is ready he can get dressed now. He starts screaming again. At this point I just feel guilty and I hate to see his little body heave and cry. I feel like crying. I leave until he is ready to come out. Finally he does and we talk calmly about it, he goes to get clothes and gets dressed. This is about 30-40 minutes later. However he is still upset and still a bit weepy. Now I feel really guilty. I hold him on the couch (all while still trying to deal with Holden - oh and on the phone about the whole house/inspection/contract issues that keep coming up). Finally at 11 AM he just falls asleep on me - very weird as he normally doesn’t take a nap until about 1:30. Then Holden falls asleep on me too.
This is a pretty typical morning, although today was particularly bad. Colin generally refuses and says “No” to pretty much everything I suggest, even while doing it. I say “OK, time to go to preschool.” - “No I don’t want to go to preschool” - “Colin we are going, its fun - let’s put your shoes on” - “No, I don’t want to put my shoes on (while he is walking to the door to get them and putting his coat on)” He automatically says “No” even if he wants to do something.
He is so defiant I sometimes wonder if something is wrong. Granted, he is 3, very smart and our lives have been in complete turmoil for the past 2-3 months and he has a semi-new baby brother. Still, it is so hard to deal with - you just never know if you are going to get ornery/grumpy Colin or really fun, happy Colin. I am usually exhausted by the end of the day.
Any older (and wiser) parents out there are free to tell me this ends at some point and that all kids go through this 
Or current parents can tell me they are in the same situation….uh oh, he is awake…got to run.
Maybe he’s having a delayed case of “terrible twos” at three! The only thing I can suggest is that your mantra must be “This too will pass!” because it will. And keep your fingers crossed that it will pass sooner rather than later!
Sophia is going through a similar phase, especially when she’s over-tired (which is often in the evenings since she doesn’t nap anymore). It’s really hard to keep my cool when she’s tantruming, but I know yelling at her doesn’t help (she usually starts laughing at me if I yell–nice). We are trying really hard to be consistent with the time outs. If her mood is out of control, she is required to sit in her room until she’s calmed down. We tell her she needs to stay there until she’s ready to cooperate/be nice/stop yelling/etc. It’s been working better the more we stick with it. And I’m trying not to take thing personally. I’m sure once you guys get more settled into your new routine things will calm down. Colin’s a great kid. Hey, and don’t ever hesitate to talk to your pediatrician if you are at your wits end. I called them about potty training struggles (Sophia is totally regressing, so we backed off), and I got some really great advice.
Hi Jess,
Great news about the house! Very exciting!
Just read the Colin tantrum blog. Ditto what Amy & Grandma say.
Craig’s brought my yelling at George to my attention. I have been trying not to yell unless there’s danger. I don’t want to be a yelling mom, which I was becoming. Yelling is useless, and kids learn to tune it out. We the moms are the leaders. Leaders can definitely lead more effectively when they are not yelling.
Lately George has been willfully hitting me. This past week I have responded to it by clearing his room of all toys and books, and making him go in with the door closed for 15 minutes. That was so totally distressing to him that I thought I was going to have heart failure. I was practically hyperventilating…So I know how guilty you feel! But I need to nip that behavior in the bud. I think it’s been successful, because he’s only done it twice more since, and has subsequently remarked that he doesn’t want to go to his room with the door shut.
In retrospect, he certainly deserved it and I don’t feel guilty anymore. Hang in there. I think it’s ok that George & Colin are upset when they have to be in their rooms with the door shut. That’s the point. If it didn’t make him upset, why would he care to stop the crummy behavior? He needs to learn now that you’re the boss, while he’s little. (And so does George.) Because it’ll be much more difficult to establish it when they are bigger, and all the more so when they are bigger than us (which will be in about 10 years…) Also they need to learn that women are to be respected… whether they are moms, teachers, or in the future, girlfriends. So that’s our job at the moment.
Here’s another possibly helpful thought: would your mom feel guilty for disciplining you this way? My mom definitely would NOT.
Lots of luck, and Love you,
Laura